1:14 p.m. - 08.29.2004
insignificant dot
It's kind of depressing as I am finally going to school and pursuing a career, and now I know what I'm going to do. That shouldn't be depressing, but now what I fear most seems all the more real - the fact that I will always be an insignificant dot.
I'll be working in an office, maybe even in a cubicle... doing my little designs that I will collaborate on with other people so they won't even be mine. And no one will notice my work except for my collegues. No one will open a magazine layout and think how cool it is. I will never be recognized.
There's something about being widely recognized for what you do, that reenforces your worth and purpose. I guess that's why so many people want to be famous. Just to be able to have that affirmation, phony as it may be, that your life means something. That you aren't just passing through, taking a few dumps, and then dying without anyone ever noticing.
I want to do something meaningful, but let's face it: I am the laziest most unmotivated person on the planet. Doing something meaningful would require more than a walk-through of the basics (aka college) and filling out resumes.
I guess secretly I just have always believed that I am deserving of wide recognition and adulation. If only someone would just get off their ass and discover me. Ugh... why have I not grown out of these adolescent fantasies?
Most people are content with their little corner of the world. I am sometimes I guess. I know that whatever I could possibly attain would never measure up to my fantasy of it anyway. I just need affirmation of my specialness or something. Should I just resign myself to the fact that I will never be satisfied with life? I will just teeter on the brink of misery until my inevitable demise?
Too dramatic? Yeah, I agree.
Well, fellow insignificant dots, I must do my homework now. There are future tampon boxes to design.
